Arrangements: Nancy L Baran

Mom's service will be at Second Baptist Church 1 Herman Ave Auburn NY, 13021. Saturday 6/28/08 at 11:00 AM.  There will be brief calling hour starting at 10AM Saturday. After the service there will be a catered luncheon at the fellowship hall on the church premises.  After the luncheon we will proceed to Weedsport Rural Cemetery for the burial. 

Many of you have expressed that you would like to send flowers.  If you would like to send flowers (they will not be accepted by the church) they are being accepted by Robert Gray Funeral home 49 Jordan Rd. Skaneateles, NY 13152.  In lieu of flowers you may make a donation to the Nancy L Baran memorial fund c/o Second Baptist Church Auburn NY 13021. We will decide later what to do with those monies, but I'm thinking a contribution to the  in my mother's name to the Audubon society since she loved birds.  Some of you have expressed wanting to travel to the services.  The closest airport is Syracuse, NY.  If you are looking for a local place to stay I suggest the Armory square section of Syracuse or the Sherwood Inn in Skaneateles is really lovely. 

Thank you all. 

Love,

Michelle 

Her name was Nancy

Her  name was Nancy.  She loved Shrimp and sardines.  She bird watched for fun.  She pulled trash off of the curb, cleaned it up and sold it for good money.  She pinched me in the behind when we cooked together just to be a twerp.  She loved her Husband, children, grandchildren and family.  She was my Mom and she peacefully went to heaven this morning at 7:00am.  

Adages

We probably hear adages every day and even use them in our own conversation without realizing we are using them.  My Mom is a great one for using adages to which my response has always been a swift rolling of my eyes, but here's a few for you that have come to mind in the past several days.  

-Two heads are better than one - At this point taking care of Mom is a group effort.  I may think doing something one way is the best way and Kerry, Todd, Mike or the hospice nurse will jump in and do something that I would never think of that works.  Picture me wiping my brow in relief as its all about keeping Mom as comfortable and pain free as possible.

-Charity begins at home- Kerry and Adam have turned their house into a hospital and hotel.  Today is their 11th wedding anniversary and I think they forgot.  They are so busy making sure that Mom has what she needs and making sure all of us are fed and comfortable too, while still taking care of Luke and Hannah.  Kerry & Adam are certainly doing what is right and will be rewarded for it in the future in some way, I'm sure.

-You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink-  The difference between Mom's health last Saturday and this is a 180 degree switch.  Mom sleeps most of the time and we really have to annoy her to get her to open her eyes.  We try to give her water and ice chips, but she resists or is unable. 

-It's always darkest before dawn-  See Mom like this is numbing.  I find myself looking at Mom, catching a family member's eye and together we can do nothing but shake our heads.  Seeing a person you love in this state never truly makes sense.  I don't think its suppose to.

-Laughter is the best medicine-  Mom is currently not lucid, but a few days ago she was sitting in a wheelchair and I had warmed up some home made chicken noodle soup for her.  She had it sitting on the tray in front of her, but seemingly not interested in eating when she started struggling to take off the oxygen from around her nose.  I tried to put it back on her nose and she shooed my hands away and all she said was "hot".  It dawned on me as she turned the oxygen toward the soup that she was using the oxygen to cool off the soup.  Kerry and I had a good laugh over that one!  Mom has always been ingenious with that sort of thing.  

-Here today gone tomorrow-  Why do you think an adage is an adage?  Well it's something that many people have found to be true.  I think we'd all live more fulfilled lives by remembering yet another adage like "Live like every day is your last".   As far as Mom is concerned, it is my prayer that she passes from this life quickly.  For those of you that are praying, it's time to switch gears. Please pray that Mom can have some moments of clarity and lucidity over the next few days.  Mom has not had a chance to accept her passing, which I think would be best for her to do. My family here in VA has not had the 3 weeks that I had in Florida to make peace with Mom and Mom  had expressed to me some things that would be nice if she could express to individuals in her own words.

-Every cloud has a silver lining-  I believe this.  I think our whole family does and we're waiting for it. I'll keep you posted. 

~Michelle     

Reality stinks

Good morning everyone!  Monday Kerry and I took Mom to her Oncologist for the results of her MRI and the good news is that she does not have any new brain tumors.  The doctor attributes her memory problems and confusion to the amount of pain medication she is taking.   Mom's transition into life at Kerry's has been very difficult.  Mom seems to be more tired and in more pain than I saw her in during the whole time we were in Florida.  I'd like to preface the rest of this Blog by letting everyone know that I read all of your comments to Mom and pass along notes. However, she will not be seeing this new post.  

Hope is a very delicate matter.  Mom has lots of hope, lots of fight, and tenaciously declares that she does not want to pass away.  While she has a hope for her future and knows that ultimately her soul is in God's hands, she wants her body to heal, not roll out a red carpet for cancer. I've grown to admire the fight Mom has in her, and I've seen her go through so much already in these last 4 months since the cancer returned.  When we went to the new Oncologist in March and he sent us for radiation he stated that the typical amount of time a person in Mom's condition lasts is 6-8 months.  Mom told him "I don't really like your shelf life" and chose alternative treatment. 

The time in Florida was the right thing to do.  We all agree that Mom would have passed away by now without going and the physical, emotional, and spiritual lessons she learned while there made the trip well worth while. While I admit that only God knows how much time each of us has on earth, and he's the guy in charge of the miracle department, God also gave us common sense and the signs are not pointing toward healing. 

A very kind hospice nurse has been out to the house to evaluate Mom and she tells us that Mom has no breath sounds in her left lung at all.  She also tells us that she has been working for hospice since 1995 and that in her opinion Mom currently as healthy and lucid as she is because she is young and has a strong heart.  If not for her heart, she would be gone already and although it is hard to judge, the nurse would say that Mom has about 30-60 days.  This would put her at the 6-8 month mark that her oncologist originally suggested. Based on what I have seen since our return from Florida, I agree. 

Like I said before, hope is a very delicate thing.  Mom has not accepted her 30-60 day sentence and refuses hospice care at this time.  As a family we decided long ago that we are all on "Team Nancy".  This means supporting and getting on which ever bus mom is on mentally.  Having said that, please remember us in your prayers time during this very difficult and surreal time as we grudgingly learn to say a peaceful good bye to our Mother, Wife, Sister, Aunt, Grandmother and friend.  If any of you want or need to come to town anytime soon, I would suggest doing it sooner rather than later.  We can certainly find a place locally to put you up.  The morbidity of talking about this strikes me as being wrong, but ultimately I think I would be remiss to paint an untrue picture.  Mom has expressed in the past, and her family agrees, that when Mom does pass, whether in 1 month or 20 years, that she wants her final resting place to be near our home, in NY. I mention this as it should help some of you from a planning aspect.

Mom cannot check her emails any longer.  If you would like to call or send a note please use Kerry's contact information:

Mom currently has round the clock care.  I'm taking Wednesday, Todd is taking Thursday's, Mike takes Friday and Saturday and Kerry and I will split up the remainder of the week.  Please keep us all in your prayers as we are tired, overwhelmed and all very emotional.... not a healthy mix on a good day, but we are attempting to make it through.  If you need to call me about anything please contact me at   

Much love,

Michelle 

Home

We made it! After missing our connection in Philly, sitting on the runway for an hour and losing our luggage, we made it home. Mom did very well until the last hour when her leg pain became unbearable from sitting in one position too long.  On Sunday Mom had an MRI to her head and Kerry and I take her to her oncologist for the results at 1 today.  

Mom is settling into life at Kerry's house, but naturally Kerry and Mike are feeling a bit overwhelmed with the size of our daily tasks.  

I will post after we have the results of the MRI and a gameplan.

Much Love,

Michelle 

P.S  I got Bailey back!  She was so happy she peed on my foot.... Some greeting :>)

Homeward Bound!

Mom's first words to me today were "I feel pretty good today".  The day has finally come to leave this place and Mom and I both agree, we can't wait to get back home.  We have learned lots and Mom has come a long way, but the comforts of home and family are beckoning.  We said our final good bye's and took some pictures yesterday (I'll post them at some point) and then I spent about 5 hours packing.  Some how I managed to get everything into two suitcases and two carry ons.  The bags each weigh slightly less than two anvils so I guess we will have to pay the extra fee.  At this point... who cares! lol.  

Mom is having an MRI on her brain on Sunday afternoon.  Please be in prayer for all of us for future decisions.  Mom's doctor in VA seems to think that the old tumor or new tumor may be the culprit in Mom's recent memory loss and confusion, if this is the case then he thinks the memory loss may be reversible.  We will also be exploring options of radiation to Mom's ribs and leg.  All along Mom has been adamant about not wanting to receive further radiation and the first time around almost killed her due to the nausea.  Please commit these issues to prayer.  Once we are back in VA Mom will be living in the bottom level of Kerry's house, which will be great for Mom being able to get around.  I will be continuing to Blog as everyone seems to enjoy the ease of getting updates.  

We will be arriving in Norfolk, VA at 4:50 Pm and we are most concerned with a) getting home with no edema to Mom's legs and b) seeing my dog as soon as possible :>).

Much Love,

Michelle 

Mom needs to Eat!

Mom and I are headed back to Virginia on Saturday.  We've seen such improvement here at Hippocrates.  Mom hasn't taken any anti nausea medication in about two week, has drastically decreased her pain dosage from 3 pills every three hours to 1 or two pills every 5-7 hours, and improved her attitudes about herself, her health and her spiritual condition. Also, Mom and I have enjoyed the unexpected yet pleasant surprise of talking about and healing our own Mother/Daughter relationship.  Mom has started eating solid foods, but only in bird like portions.  When she does eat she is keeping down small amounts of veggies.  I talked to the doctor about an hour ago and he is going to review Mom's blood work again.  However,  Mom has been having some major memory, weakness and stability problems since Saturday/Sunday.  As most of you know, Mom had 10 rounds of radiation on her brain during April.  Although the doctor mentioned that Mom's short term memory may be affected, we had seen little of this until the past several days.  Mom is forgetting many basic things, which is difficult for me to grasp or understand.  At this point we (the doctor and I) are unsure if this is due to the radiation, part of her healing or advancement of the cancer.  The doctor is very concerned about the little amounts of food that Mom is ingesting and seems to thing lack of food may be the culprit in Mom's recent memory loss and general confusion.  I would have to say that I agree with the doctor.  After all, I have read several times along this journey that approximately 80% of cancer patients don't pass away from cancer but malnutrition stemming from not being able to eat and/or losing their appetite.  I'm really taking this eating thing to heart.  I had a talk with Mom this morning about needing to eat as the alternative is not what anybody wants.  She is sitting next to me right now eating some grain type cereal.  However,  she really needs to keep down the nut juice that I'm going to get her in about 1/2 hr.  Did you know that nuts are the hardest item for our bodies to digest?  Because of this nuts are juiced and then water is added so it looks and tastes sort of like a latte.  In the past few weeks Mom has tried to keep the nut juice down three times and has thrown it up three times.  Please pray about this.  Mom REALLY needs the calories.  I'm also getting Mom some Manna bread and avocado in about an hour.  It would be very nice to see a miracle occur in the Mom eating department.  Mom has lost 10 lbs so far since we have been here and is down to about 145 lbs. We need to keep her weight up, I think we all know what happens if she cannot eat and loses much more weight.  

Last night Mom decided to get out of bed to plump her own pillows while I was sleeping (totally disregarding my dictator like directions) and fell.  This is the second time that I have somehow mustered up enough strength to lift her.  She was unharmed, except for her pride which has been been severely bruised by her physical instability and extreme embarrassment at knowing she is forgetting things,  like how to tell time, what year I was born and other mundane information.

On a brighter note there was a major thunder and lightning storm for most of the afternoon and evening yesterday.  I ran to the local grocery store and rented a few movies and Mom and I holed up in our room all night having a mini slumber party.  She really enjoyed the movies and it completely distracted her from trying to remember things she was having trouble remembering. 

Once again I kindly ask for your prayers that Mom will be able to eat, eat, eat.  She needs the strength not just for day to day tasks but for the plane ride home.  If you think of it please pray for my strength to help Mom. Also, believe it or not I'm taking an online course while I'm here and have some course work due.  It's confusing how I have to post everything for my online course and the professor is very hands off so if I mess up and don't post in the right place I lose points.  Please pray that this goes smoothly for me.  It's my last college "class".  No pass= bad news for me.  

Much Love, 

Michelle 

Beach bums and Bed Slugs!

Well its official, we have wheels! I hitched a ride to the airport today and shopped around the rental car counters until I found a sweet deal on a Kia.  Ask yourself this question.  When is the last time I went a week without driving a car?  I've discovered just how much transportation molds my feelings of independence.  Several times Mom and I have been without a vehicle & completely at the mercy of others to get needed items such as medicines and medical care.  In case you're wondering, that really stinks.  So, I went straight from Enterprise rental car to Walgreen's to buy chocolate.....I mean sandals for Mom.  I did buy chocolates.. those Ferrero Roche chocolate nut balls and they were the sweetest tasting honey to my sugar-starved lips as ever a mortal has eaten! I'm justifying straying from the straight and narrow veggie lined path of Hippocrates since it was a bona fide medical emergency.... for Mom that is.  If I didn't have chocolate there may have been an unfortunate situation involving Mom's face and my pillow :>) When I got back I asked Mom if she wanted to go for a ride and to my surprise she said yes.  We drove the 10 or so miles to the ocean front and got out of the vehicle to take some pictures.  Mom had a great time looking at the ocean and there were some birds along the way that she had never seen and was quite interested in.  

God has brought so many great people our way, many of them Christians! One woman brought me some very good probiotics for Mom last night. She said that one of them was great at promoting sleep so we sprayed a few of them in her mouth just before bed. I am very happy to report that Mom slept for 7 straight hours last night, got up for about 1/2 hour and then slept for another 2 hours or so.  We were total bed slugs until about 10:30 am and it felt awesome! Keep praying that Mom gets some good sleep every night. 

Plugin' Along

Hello from Florida! Mom's sister's left Monday afternoon and Mom's husband, Mike, arrived Tuesday afternoon.  Mom was very pleased to have her hubby here and it was quite sweet to see Mike wheel Mom around to her therapies.  When I went to the oxygen room Mike was sitting in a chair next to Mom while she received her treatment.  It was a hot date in the oxygen room!  Mike let me use the rental car on Wednesday night and I drove to Lake Fort Worth to a Raw restaurant there named "Soma" where I had the spinach lasagna.  I was made of zucchini, raw marinara and the "cheese" was made of garlic, cashews, and sea salts.  Yummie!  If I could eat like that every night I think I may actually be able to stick with this after I get back.   On Thursday, Jamie visited for the day from the Orlando area.  We haven't set eyes on him for about 4 years and it was great to see him!  Jamie has been shaving his hair for years and it was funny to see Mom and Jamie with similar hairstyles.  You will all be glad to hear that Mom has some little whispy hairs starting to grow back. Maybe it's my imagination but I thought I saw one moving gently in the Florida breeze (let's keep in mind that I'm not getting much sleep so it could be my imagination).  

Mom has been feeling better and wanting to do things for herself more often (Thank You JESUS!) and she attempted to try to scoot ahead of me to the pool.  I was fighting with the wheelchair when out of the corner of my eye I see Mom begin to topple over backwards.  The rest of the story seemed to happen in slow motion.  I somehow managed to get my hands in her armpits to break her fall.  Mom and I attempted to get her up twice to no avail so we had to ask a male guest to help us.  He lifted Mom off of the ground and into the chair with very little trouble.  I admonished Mom for trying to be a bit too independent too soon and reminded her that a recovery will be even harder with a broken hip. 

Items to pray about:

1) SLEEP.  Ideally Mom would be getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  The most she has gone is about 4 hours.  The other hours she spends puttering around the room trying to "get tired".   It is my opinion that lack of sleep is holding Mom's healing process back.  

2) Cankles-  Mom has the most swollen feet I've ever seen.  We've been told this is due to her Lymph system draining.  She will be super swollen, have several therapies that seem to work and they go down and then they blimp up again.  This is not only uncomfortable but makes it very difficult for her to be as mobile as she would like

3) Guidance- Mom has a great desire to stay here in FL for several more weeks.  We are supposed to head back to VA on 6/14, but we are considering staying at a nearby extended stay hotel in order to drive to Hippocrates for therapies.  We have been trusting God for monetary provisions and we ask all of you to pray for the same.  Cancer is expensive, eat your veggies! 

Much Love,

Michelle 

Thank You!

When life slows down a bit we will try somehow try to express our appreciation to everyone that has been so encouraging.  We have seen a flood of cards, notes of encouragement, flowers from Katherine (aka Bean the girl I used to nanny...I knew I raised her right :>) ) and financial support from friends at Mike's work and our family.  We knew when we left the path of typical Western medicine that we would be relying on God to provide financially and little by little he is.  Thank you all.  Mom is looking and feeling better every day.  Yesterday evening Mom had a second blood analysis with one of the directors here and frankly they were shocked with the change in Mom in just over one week. They said she has great blood and that the good guys (white blood cells) are on the upswing. Please continue to pray for Mom to be completely cured.  Thank you!

Much Love,

Michelle 

I see a turtle

I'm sure most of us have been to an arcade or amusement park and seen the game where a little animal pops its head up and then you have the pleasure of wacking it with a club like apparatus and then the head pops up elsewhere and you get a minute's worth of.. whap, whap, whap!  That's what life with Mom has been like for the past week and a half.  One problem will rear its ugly head and we happily whap it and then the next problem pops up and WHAP! I'll spare you the gory details but suffice it to say that after much wacking and whaping that Mom's body is starting to function normally.  When we first arrived Mom was slouched over in a wheelchair looking quite pathetic and white as a ghost.  She was extremely hyper sensitive touch, sound and smell. When touched she jumped in extreme pain from even a small hug.  She would smell every  smell that the natural nose could not smell and it would make her nauseous.  The  sound of the shower dripping sounded like a freight train to her. Ever so gradually Mom is gaining her strength back and this hyper sensitivity is lessening.  Tuesday night Mom was convinced to go the warm mineral pool, which is very relaxing.  She loved it!  After months of strained movement and pain she was able to move her body nearly effortlessly.  It was a starry night with a cloud passing by here or there.  Mom and I floated on our backs looking at the sky and she said "Look at that cloud Chelle, I see a turtle".  Sure enough it did look like a turtle.  The moment reminded me of childhood in Weedsport, NY with Mom, my brother and sister laying in the backyard looking at the sky.  Our childhoods were a magical time of Mom racing around the house with us, taking us birdwatching, bike riding and going to Owasco lake.  This moment was just as pure and wonderful.  Mom was pain free and feeling better.  What a blessing.  Keep praying!

Sock Monster

Everyone has had a least one run in with the sock monster.  He's that elusive fellow who's particular items of interest are socks and the stealing of them, one at a time from the dryer.  The sock monster occasionally ventures out of the laundry room to steal pens and rearrange the ketchup in the fridge so that you can't find it.  Yesterday the sock monster stole mom's pain pill prescription.  Sunday night I looked into the pain pill medicine bottle to see five little pills there. I knew that we could not refill the prescription until until after June 1 so I figured I'd have my aunts take me to the drug store first thing in the AM to refill mom's meds.  That's when the sock monster struck!  The play by play of what happened next reads like a Dr. Seuss book.  "We looked high, we looked low. Where oh where did the pain prescription go?".  It truly was nowhere to be found.  Mom's meds were beginning to wear off and that's a sight nobody should see.  Experiencing it is unthinkable.  For six hours we looked for the prescription while Kerry and "The Winkles" (aka Hannah and Luke) darted around Hampton Roads from the Oncologist to the drugstore and back again several times.  Door after door was closed as FL state law prohibits filling a prescription for a narcotic via fax.  The only doctors that participate in Mike's insurance here were very kind to give us their first available appointment of Tuesday at 4:30pm, even after I turned on the Conroy charm and explained the urgency of the situation (yes, the words flowed eloquently off of my tongue as if I had just kissed the Blarney stone).  While I was on the telephone working my Irish shenanigans and getting absolutely no where, a nurse that works at Hippocrates walked by and heard me and asked what was wrong.  I asked if the Dr. Joseph who works at the facility could write prescriptions and mentioned that if we could not get a script in the next few minutes we would be leaving to take Mom to the emergency room. She said he did not write prescriptions due to the huge liability factors, etc.  She then disappeared for about 10 minutes and returned to let us know that Dr. Joseph had agreed to write the prescription for Mom.   (que angels singing). 

Meanwhile in Virginia Kerry was getting frantic and starting to lose control when The Winkles reminded her from the backseat that "God is in control" and then a big truck rolled by with the huge words printed on it "JESUS NEVER FAILS!".  Not long after I called to let Kerry know that we were on our way to the drug store.  Whew... collective sighs of relief.  

I was reminded of a song that God has brought into our lives over the past few weeks called "Saves the Day" by Philip, Craig & Dean.  In this case God defeated the Sock Monster and once again saved the day.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!